A Concern for All Mankind

Let’s take break from the art of the Ninja for a moment to talk about something which concerns all of us enjoying the human experience... Bathroom Etiquette.

1. If two stalls are occupied, the first person out of the stall should be allowed ample time to wash their hands and leave before the next person leaves the stall. This way an identity is not associated with either person and the noises produced during the visit. I don't want to know who has a high fiber diet, or whose fecal fumes fanned into my personal space or who is running off at the bowels and painted the inside of the bowl. The next time I see the individual, all I'll be thinking is, "This guy pees out his butt hole."The right of way is given to the first person to pull at the toilette paper. If you need to blow your nose, wait until the end, thus not giving false signals to your stall-mate. This would be like lurching at a four-way stop every time the other driver starts to move.

2. Wiping should not be done standing up. That's just weird.

3. Courtesy flush... enough said.

4. If you chew a lot of gum you probably have buoyant productions. Wait until the "last survivor drowns" before skipping on your gum chewing way.

5. Understanding the algorithmic complexity of urinal choice merits three college credits (you may have to re-test because good luck getting them transferred, it’s a racquet). See http://gamescene.com/The_Urinal_Game.html

6. Dear public bathroom designers, The urinal trough is only slightly better than turning to the person next to you and peeing on their shoes. This is not an acceptable device. It would be better to install bushes in the bathroom.

7. Sword fights end in the first grade. After that, take the advice from The Ghost Busters, "Don't cross the streams."

8. I’ll try to handle this next one as delicately as I can. If, while standing at the urinal, your face turns purple and leaves you gasping desperately for breath, all for three little drops of pee, you have prostate issues. Go see a Doctor!

9. If your girth is so large that you have to squeeze into the urinal stall, lean against the wall with one hand, while you search with the other, you might try dropping a few pounds. Each bathroom visit should not take you to the edge of mortality.

10. Stand tall and stand proud. Women forcing men to sit while they urinate is part of a greater plot to emasculate the human male. Further more, anyone within fifty paces of the bathroom is going to know that I have a urethra the size of a McDonalds shake straw. And that my prostate could replace the flux capacitor from Back to The Future.

img 1 Flux Capacitor













img 2 Prostate / Urethra














img 3 Urethra Franklin

Other Words of Advice

In ancient times, man would squat down on his heals before doing his duty. The body is actually better attuned for having a BM from this bent over position. I've adapted the position germaphobes call "hanging high." Stand on the toilet rock onto the balls of your feet and squat down on your ankles. I call this the "Sparrow Waits for Worm" form. The job is completed nearly the moment the position is assumed. The time savings are amazing, and it improves balance and flexibility. More time savings are gleaned when the back splash speeds the cleaning process.