Bathroom Etiquette: Number Two

OK, it looks like we're going to have to revisit this subject as I still see people acting ridiculous in the bathroom. For example, I recently saw some guy popping his zits in front of the mirror. After gazing at the pustules explode like mini-seagull poops all over the mirror, he sauntered out without washing his hands! I feel like when Moses came down from Sinai with The Ten Commandments to find The Children of Israel worshiping a golden calf.

1. I'm not sure how to generalize what the zit guy was doing, but anything obvious like that, don't do it in a public restroom.

2. Don't pat me on the back when I'm standing at the urinal. That is a very vulnerable time for me. Out of reflex I once broke a guys elbow, pushed him through the door of an occupied stall, and held his head in the toilet for like fifty-three seconds. Good luck finding someone to give you mouth to mouth after that.

3. Trying to carry on a conversation at the urinal is weird.

4. Talking while in a bathroom stall is weirder. OK, I tend to get a little stage freight when people are talking to me, and it's like trying start and stop the solid rocket boosters on the space shuttle. I believe the term is "Prairie Dogin’."

5. If you're talking on your cell-phone in a stall next to me, I take that as a personal challenge to let the person on the other end of the phone to know exactly where you are. I’ll post the sound bite sometime.

6. I know you might like to sing a little ditty to yourself while going about your business, but after that incident with that Senator Craig from Idaho, no foot tapping is allowed in public restrooms.

7. That thing where people drop the newspaper on the floor and then turn the pages as they read. Do you not realize that your paper has now been steeped in human urine? You could stick that newspaper in a cup of hot water and make pee tea. Also, I invariably start reading a comic from under the stall, and the last frame is covered by the person’s belt and I have to wait for the brief window when the belt dips during the page turn to get the punch line.

8. Those dual paper dispensers SUCK. They're supposed to dispense one role and then drop the next role except that more often than not both roles start spitting out paper and they're always made of two micro-thin plies that separate effectively vomiting four sheets simultaneously.

Free hint: I call the part of the toilet seat protector that hangs down into the water the “uvula.” If you tear out the uvula, you’ll have more than .3 seconds to sit down before the water weight from dangling in the water pulls the cover into the toilet. Leave a couple of inches of the uvula as a splatter guard; believe me, some of you need it.

10. Everybody knows when you walk up to the urinal you stare at the tiles immediately in front of you for the entire time. You may have to memorize where things are located to avoid an ungainly stare. Also, eyes drifting right or left are verboten. Also I skipped number nine on purpose, because I couldn't think of ten things, but it felt like I should have an even ten items.