A lot of people were all gaga when Charlize Theron gained and lost all of that weight for her role in Monster. I have a responsibility to advise you that you're not going to get an Oscar for your thankless charge as a ninja, even though the work you do is much more formidable and homicidal. To illustrate, I recently finished a commission where I had to gain fifty-five pounds to impersonate the Viceroy of Kamchatka for a subtrifugal assassination. I was able encourage him to asphyxiate on his own tongue from the thunderbolt of seeing me at my current heft. However, now I'm now saddled with the onerous task of regaining my consummate physique. So now my family has started a Biggest Loser contest for my benefit. This is my before picture.
I would like to thank my brother Kevin for the Nepotiz. He was able to call off his group, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Spandex." I'll post updates of my return odyssey to peak ninjaing condition. My exercise program will consist of fourteen hour Dance Dance Revolution marathons mixed with Sweatin to the Oldies, mostly in spandex.
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