Ninja memories - if you dare!

Here are the rules.
1. As a comment on my blog, leave a memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you know me a little or a lot, anything you remember! If you remember anything of our encounters. Just remember, it MUST be a fierce battle memory of us together!
2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll be sure to write one about you... either on your blog, in my comment box, or I will email you back! If it is a memory I don't want you to remember, I will come and personally erase your memory!
3. If the memory happens to involve my wife, please include her! Remember, only comment on how hot she looked in her ninja attire - which no one but I have seen. So - unless you want to die, no memories about my wife!
4. If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all ☺Okay, let's see what you've got! Good luck!!

Ask an Illegal Ninja: Chick Flicks

I'm starting an new segment where I share the vast wisdom I've gleaned during my years as an Illegal Ninja and spicey lover. Illegal Ninjas frequently suffer from target fixation neglecting other areas of their personal lives. After a long day of slaughtering the innocent, it can be difficult to leave work at work then kindle the fires of pation. Today's letter reads:

Dear Illegal Ninja,
My girl is really into chick flicks. How do I avoid getting dragged into watching them?
Emotionally Castrated,
NY, NY

Dear Emotionally,
Here's the plot for a chick flick I've been contracted to write. I haven't nailed down the details yet, but there's this guy and a girl that are single, wildly beautiful, and one of them is extremely successful in his/her career and the other is outclassed. They both work in fields related to relationships. One of them writes about relationships (possibly at a newpaper). While the other one either sets people up or plans the weddings.

Irony seeps in when we realize they're able to analyze everyone elses relationships while their own social lives are an unmitigated train wreck, mostly because she's so uptight that she's afraid of commitment and he's such a shoot from the hip renegade that he's also afraid of commitment. Commical sideplots develope when both of the couples roomates/cube mates who are socially spastic, alternatley push them together and pull them apart. Hilarity ensues when the writer publishes against his/her will something that exposes the truth of the relationship and one of them appears to have been using the other one which is followed by publicly anouncing the others secrets. Then they get over it and make out.

The title is How to Runaway from your Best Friend's Thirty Dresses In New York Without a Hitch Hill. This will apear on the markee as "Hill."

Make no mistake, refusing to go to a chick flick sends the meta message that you want your romance to wither and die. Remember she has the power to make other things in your life wither and die.

The key here is to tune into your highly developed skills of Ninja subtrifuge. Laugh at the one line quips that make the movie almost bearable. When your woman asks," See I said you would like it, wasn't that awesome?" What she will really mean is, "Does one shred of romance exist in your soul, or should I rely on episodes of the Bachelor as my only glimps into the world of unrealistic romance. This question is of the "Do these pants make me look fat" genre, where any answer is wrong including explaining that the question is a trap from which there is no escape.

The only option is to disarm the main blast and deal with the collateral damage. Say," I really liked that part where..." Eventually everyone breaks and admits that watching the movie felt like Slash pulled your eye ball out of socket and played "Welcome to the Jungle" with your optic nerve using a jelly fish for the guitar pick. Because you communicated that you liked some snippets of the movie, she will hold a grain of hope that you have vestiges of romance, which will buy you enough time to present her with flowers, at which point she will transfer some of the fake emotions from the movie to your relationship and with luck your relationship account will only be a few emotional credits more overdrawn than before she trapped you into seeing the movie.

Source of All Evil

As I spend most of my time fighting the forces of evil, I decided to better understand the nature of evil. A few google searches helped to understand that all evil comes from the internets. Most of what you need to know about the internets comes from the following two sources. Alan's blog:

http://tenttrash.blogspot.com/2008/05/where-and-what-is-internet.html

Or from Senator Stevens:

http://seriesoftubes.net/

Alan quoted my father, however, the exact quote was "That internet is so evil. Why can't they just turn that thing off." The thing to remember is that somebody always knows when you're looking at naughty stuff of the internets, like this person (link courtasey of Alan Rencher):

http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/ImagesJun06/secretary.jpg

Or when we're having a root canal:

To understand Senator Steven's metaphore that the internets aren't a dump truck, but a series of tubes, I've drawn this diagram:

Life has become a lot easier for me since I learned that women are a lot like the internet. They aren't trucks that you just dump stuff on, they're more like a series of tubes. I recently read a story about how robust the tube based architecture can be. The story was about a girl who secretly gave birth to a baby and then jogged 4 blocks to the hospital with one of her tubes still attached.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/04/teen.birth.ap/index.html?iref=topnews

A Holiday is Borne

My friend, Alan , stated that he wanted to invent a religious holiday.

http://tenttrash.blogspot.com/2008/04/unique-belief-systems.html

For him, I present "Find a Religious Icon in an Obscure and Possibly Inappropriate Location Day" day. That's FRIOPILD day to make it role off the tongue a little better. This day will be observed on August 12, which is the due date for the lady who, in an ultrasound, found Jesus in her womb.


http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353230,00.html

I'm going to suggest that she has her baby cesarean. Well, this blog is short because I've got to wait in line for the release of Grand Theft Auto. I don't want the game, I just want to test my survival skills by waiting in the line.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353157,00.html

Family Vacation

My wife and I decided to plan a family vacation. My wife wanted to visit a national park. I wanted to visit somewhere focused mostly on different ways people can die. We chose a place which defied this seeming paradoxical prerequisite: Yosemite National Park.

I was not disappointed. The first momento I found in the tourist shops was the following book (note the rotting corpse in the detail).

After this we listened to a forest ranger enumerate other ways visitors have shuffled of this mortal coil. Twenty minutes of the presentation were dedicated to an innocent boy who had accidentally dropped a few potato chips. As he went to pick them up, a deer started to eat them. The boy startled the deer which gored him with his antler, nicking an artery in his chest causing his abdomen to swell to four times its original size until he exploded in a ball of gore and blood.

The Ranger brought to light various other facts such as the leading cause of death in the park is bubbles. People swim in the rapids and can't float in the foamy parts and sink straight to the bottom. Of course any unusual way a person can die is of critical importance to a ninja. You never know when you might need to conceal a corpse, and a foaming rapid is handy.

Rather than bring back the obligatory stack of vacation picture,s I would mount a camera at the base of El Capitan with a motion sensitive trigger with a 200 mph threshold. Now every time someone plummets off of face to their doom, the moment will be updated automatically on the blog. I've only received one picture so far and it looks like I'm going to have to add a flash for night casualties, as you can see below.

LRIF

A recent news article brings to light an important problem facing modern parents.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,350249,00.html

The issue is which gang you should suggest for your kids to join. This isn't something you want to just jump into. You'll want to ask rival gangs for a prospectus to outline benefits, turf claimed and mortality rates. One often overlooked concept in gang selection is in which gang your child will likely excel. To determine this you can ask a gang counselor for a street aptitude test. This can determine if your child has the traits necessary to be a drug mule (willingness to store fatal amounts of crack in his/her colon) or if pimping would be a more natural fit.

Many parents don't realize that the bar is being raised for entrance in many gangs. Your child might have better luck applying for summer or spring entrance because many bangers will take the summers off to visit family or die in a bloody gang war.


Street Aptitude Test

Name__________________________________

Actual Name______________

Single Wide [] Double Wide [] Box

Preferred mode of transportation
A) Box Car.
B) Pink Caddy with leopard fur interior.
C) Container of big rig in 120 degree Arizona heat with 67 closest friends.

Favorite Fashion Statement
A) Brass Knuckles
B) Pink Fur coat with extra pockets on the inside.
C) Necklace with “Vato Loco” written with cubic zirconium.

Given your choice, you would prefer
A) Gettin' jiggy wit it.
B) Stickin’ it to da’ man.
C) Climbing fence, swimming across Rio Grande then walking across desert.

Method of Marking Turf
A) Tennis Shoes on phone lines.
B) Bruises on property.
C) Own alchohol rich urin.


In a similar vein, I'm putting together a reality TV series called "Who wants to be a member of Delta Upsilon?"

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,323666,00.html

The contestants will experience various hazing rituals until they pass out or show some sign of human dignity which can be used against them. The season finally will end with a tribal council in which the fine print on their contracts is brought to light and they realize that no one will be accepted and they don't have any rights to any monetary gains associated with the series.

I apologize for not posting recently. Last month I became aware of a looming hole in my ninja skill set when I watched Mission Impossible and saw that Tom Cruise could read lips. I immediately enrolled in an intense full immersion lip reading course. I'm now starting a youth service called Lip Reading is Fundamental. You may have seen the mention it got on American Idol during the American Idol gives back episode. Are you aware that out of every 352 inner city kids, only one of them is able to read lips well enough to eavesdrop on a dupe in switch and bate scam? They simply lack the street skills they need on a daily basis.

American Idle

This is day one of my families Biggest Loser contest. I'll be rolling out of the gate at an hefty 197 lbs. My weight loss strategy is to not jump back into my exercise and diet too quickly. I wouldn't want to injure myself or cause my body to go into shock. I plan to spend the first few days just getting used to wearing my exercise spandex all day. My long term strategy is to make sure I'm always wearing my spandex in case an exercise opportunity presents itself. You never know, you might get the urge to play a little DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) and then you’re ready to feel the rhythm with your soul. Accordingly, you can expect all pictures posted of me for the next six months to feature me in spandex; at the opera, at church, or just swabbing out the mold that grows between my roles of fat.