Friday, February 15, 2008

Ninja vs. Wild

So I was hanging around watching TV (in the attire mentioned in my last post) when I found a show called "Man vs. Wild." I laughed at what a prancing sissy this guy is. Bushwhack through some mountains and they make a show out of it? Try doing that while being hunted by a fist of Ninjas! For example how many ninjas do you see in this picture of a Ninja training camp?
Answer: none, first of all there is a cobra poised ready to strike behind the 3rd bamboo shoot on the left. As a ninja you must be poised to defend yourself from all dangers, not just the obvious ones. Also there are twenty-one ninjas right behind the guy taking this picture. Of course he was immolated alive after having is organs shived with his own femur, and the only reason the photo survived was for a warning. Also I think there are a couple of ninjas up behind the bridge on the right, but you can't see them (that's the point).
Also, the guy on man vs. wild gorged on bugs and critters. As a ninja you don't always get such an elegant buffet spread before you. Once there was a ninja from the Thong dynasty who had to crawl up the inside of the palace sewage system. It took him a week. He would have been lucky if the worst thing he had to eat was a bug.
The first survival technique is to make sure you have enough water. Survival experts will tell you that you can drink your own pee up to three times before it becomes toxic. I've found that if you switch pee with a fellow ninja you can stretch that to four. You want to make sure the other ninja doesn't spend every weekend at a different happy pagoda trying to make little ninjas, or you'll be wearing your ninja mask to cover up more than your identity. Don't make me spell it out for you. Ok H-E-R-P-E-S. He was one of the first Greek warriors to develop some of these survival tactics. He was named for his clandestine skills from the Latin hérpein, to creep or spread.

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